SUJET : Question

Arriving In Heaven


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working
on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says
" I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellow that arrived here just before you."


"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Frauenkongress in Berlin

Kommt eine Deutsche ans Rednerpult: " Ich hab zu meinem Mann gesagt er solle mehr im Haushalt mithelfen und seitdem staubsaugt
er jeden Tag". Alle jubeln.
Kommt eine Französin ans Rednerpult:" Ich hab zu meinem Mann gesagt, er solle sich mehr Mühe geben im Haushalt mitzuhelfen
und seitdem schmeisst er den gesamten Haushalt". Alle jubeln.
Kommt eine Muslimin ans Rednerpult: " Ich habe zu meinem Mann gesagt, er solle mehr mithelfe in Haushalt,
erste Tag ich habe nix gesehn, zweite Tag ich habe nix gesehn, dritte Tag ich habe bisschen was auf rechtem Auge gesehn"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Helge postete
"Salzburg? ist das nicht Österreich?"
"Ich hab keine Ahnung man!"
"Da wären wir wieder bei Geometrie!"

"San Sie Alkoholiker?"

"Naa, Grazer!"

M.

Geschichten aus dem wahren, wahrsten Leben:

Bei der Arbeit. Eine Kollegin, die zur Zeit in Elternzeit ist, kommt uns bei der Arbeit besuchen um uns ihre wenige Wochen alte Tochter zu zeigen.
Ein technisch sehr versierter Kollege: „Und, bist du zufrieden mit ihren Features?“

---

Zwei ca. 17-jährige unterhalten sich. Die eine erzählt anscheinend gerade etwas über einen neuen Typen, den sie wohl erst vor kurzem kennen gelernt hat.
#1: “Er wollte mir wirklich nicht verraten, was er beruflich macht. Er sagte, das wär ihm peinlich und würde die Leute immer abschrecken. Vielleicht klaut er Autos oder sowas. Oder er arbeitet bei der GEMA.“

---

Zwei Jugendliche Marke “HipHopper” sitzen im Wartebereich der Ambulanz im Marienhospital. Es ist viel los. Lange Wartezeiten und ebensoviel Langeweile… Einer der beiden nimmt eine alte Zeitschrift, in der ein Kreuzworträtsel enthalten ist.
#1: “Ey, was issn Elan, das steht hier?”

#2: “Du kennst Elan nicht?”

#1: “Nee, ich kenn nur LAN und WLAN, aber kein E-LAN…”

---

Früh morgens im IC von Würzburg nach Frankfurt. Im Vielfahrerabteil (bahn.comfort) sitzt ein etwas heruntergekommenes Pärchen mittleren Alters und unterhält sich lautstark.
Frau gegenüber: “Können Sie bitte etwas leiser sein, das hier ist das Vielfahrerabteil.”
Mann: “Was? Wir haben den Platz hier gebucht!”
Frau gegenüber: “Diese Sitze sind nicht buchbar, da brauchen Sie bahn.comfort.”
Mann: “Blödsinn, wir haben hier gebucht!”
Etwas später Mann zu seiner Frau (grummelnd): “Woher soll ich denn wissen, wo Abteil 6 ist, da steht überall nur 2 drauf.”

---

"Salzburg? ist das nicht Österreich?"
"Ich hab keine Ahnung man!"
"Da wären wir wieder bei Geometrie!"


Viele Grüße

Helge

Sehr schön, aber LEIDER sehr nah an der Realität. So richtig Satire ist das nicht.

Andreas

Sehr schön.
Aber damit kommt es fast noch ein wenig besser:



Viele Grüße

Helge

Arbeitsmoral



M.

hihi

Danke. Dabei fing der Tag so trostlos an.


Viele Grüße

Helge

-
Sekretärin zum Bankdirektor:
"Wollen Sie wirklich "Hochachtungsvoll", schreiben? An diesen Betrüger und Halsabschneider?"

"Sie haben recht, schreiben Sie "Mit kollegialem Gruß"."
-

CSM Stefan postete
Beeindruckend:
www.spiegel.de/panorama/schildkroeten-in...t-mehr-a-838857.html

Das gehört doch in einen anderen thread ? Irgendwie kommt das mit den Bremsbelägen zusammen.

Beeindruckend:
www.spiegel.de/panorama/schildkroeten-in...t-mehr-a-838857.html

Achtung, NIX für Frauen!



M.

-
Subject: "You could have"

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight
in one of London 's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel
but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized
pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel
is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for £50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me, she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens
-

Böse, sehr böse.



Viele Grüße

Helge

Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic



A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.


The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.


The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running"

Jau! Gut, very gut.



Viele Grüße

Helge

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your
brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:

'I would say: My dear, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

Merkozy hat wohl ausgedient.

Vermutlich geht das neue Kürzel so:

MERkel + HollanDE = Merde

Andreas

“Komm wir essen Opa”
Satzzeichen können Leben retten!


Viele Grüße

Helge